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Travel Detective Blog: Air Rehab

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simple_planeI’ve been doing some thinking about the current state of air travel, and I think it’s time to spice things up.

We need to forget typical first class, or traditional business class. In honor of certain Hollywood celebrities and a growing number of other publicly dysfunctional types, I’ve decided to start a brand new airline.

Are you ready??? It’s called…AIR REHAB.

That’s right, AIR REHAB.

The timing couldn’t be better. And here’s how it works: Utter an ethnic slur or anti-gay remark?…Hop on AIR REHAB.

A little too much partying with Paris or Lindsay? You have a reserved seat on AIR REHAB.

Sleep with your campaign manager’s wife? No problem. You’ve been upgraded on… AIR REHAB.

Now, let’s discuss the onboard amenities: bartenders, barbers (in case you want to shave your head), publicists, and of course, in the back of the plane, a complete, operating tattoo parlor!

And the best thing about AIR REHAB? No delays! You’ll never be trapped on the runway, no matter what the weather, because AIR REHAB actually flies…NOWHERE. That’s right. The cool thing about AIR REHAB is that you can just jump on board, and ten minutes later, jump right off.

If necessity is truly the mother of invention, then AIR REHAB might actually (and sadly) have a chance!

All kidding aside, I just returned from the Travel Goods Association Convention in Las Vegas — an annual meeting of every designer/manufacturer or anything related to travel. Not just luggage, but a great display of the end products, not just of necessity… but also of stupidity.

That’s right. These days, it’s not necessity that’s the mother of invention when it comes to travel gadgets and gear. It’s stupidity that’s the mother of invention — the stupidity of the application of government security regulations, the stupidity of the airlines, cruise lines, hotels, baggage handlers, and yes, even the stupidity of passengers.

Nevertheless, here are four of the new items now available to consumers:

First, a suitcase that comes with its own built in scale. With most airlines these days killing us for excess/overweight bags, this scale in a bag works. You’ll know the minute you lift it up if you’re over 50 pounds. Made by a company called Ricardo.

Travelpro now makes a four-wheel drive bag — all four wheels go 360 degrees, so this bag can negotiate the tightest corners (and narrow airplane aisles) when you pull — or push — it. A great item.

And let’s hear it for the pre-pasted powdered toothbrush. No problems getting through airport security. Want to brush your teeth? Just add water!

Then, there’s something called PLANE SHEETS, foldable fabric sheets you take with you on your flight that act like a fitted sheet over the airline seat you’re about to occupy. The folks who make the sheets have done the research, and it isn’t pretty: more than 72,000 people have often been in that seat…before you. Time to cover it. Another good idea.

And come to think of it, a product that would work particularly well on…AIR REHAB!

For more of Peter’s blog, check out the Travel Detective Files.